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Saturday, May 28, 2005

Catching Up, Romance, Pass and Fail

In my six month absence from posting, I had two romantic encounters. Much like an audit or non-major course in college, romantic relationships are best taken pass-fail. If you're grading them, you're probably thinking in the wrong way. If you're grading them on a curve, you're definitely around the bend!

So I failed one, and passed one. I may elaborate on this post by editing it in the future, but I'll at least give you the skeleton of what happened.

I came close to a long-term relationship with one woman, but there were issues of timing and distance. I did not blog this as it was happening -- it seemed too personal and the woman in question was very guarded about privacy. In the end, perhaps I was ready to move forward when she was not, and in too much of a hurry; and then later I was not ready when she was. And being in different countries didn't help a whole lot. Then there were implicit and explicit inequities that I've written about extensively in the past. To her credit, these were more my hangups than hers.

Those sort of timing disappointments can cool ardor, and yet create good friendships, so all was not in vain. After all, a good friendship can outlast a relationship and enable relationship diversity much more easily than romance. Or am I the fox envying the grapes? Read on...

A few months later I started another romance. Well, that sounds too deliberate. This was seriously a case when I was not looking to start anything. Really. And yet it happened. And it turned into one of those crazy whirlwind things that you might see in a movie, but then again, if you saw it you probably wouldn't believe it. I'll write about it later, and I'm willing to bet some people won't believe it, but, hey, what can I do about that?

But this posting isn't about the details. It's about the high level view. What about romance makes it worth analysis here?

Prostitutes can give men the illusion of romance, on a short time scale. Men's view of romance is affected greatly by sexual gratification, and this has a big impact on how easily men can lose their better judgement in matters of the heart with a prostitute.

On the other hand, my anorgasmia gives me a more detached perspective on this, usually. And I, too, can give a pretty good illusion of romance. Women's view of romance is affected by security, togetherness and material satisfaction, and I believe this has a big impact on how easily women can be influenced in matters of the heart. Although they are intrinsically more pragmatic, perhaps they are also less prepared for an assault in this direction. Or perhaps they are prepared for an assault, but not a gentle and pleasant introduction to a life of romance. In both cases is it about implicit wish fulfillment?

I do not make such advances deliberately, but a week I spend with a woman is a romantic experience. I like to experience that. I like to provide that. Just like an ideal female provider would enjoy providing sexual satisfaction to her clients, and enjoy the process herself -- well, that's what I do with romantic material experiences. I love women in that way, and I love romance in that way.

But it can create imbalanced expectations for romance and commitment. I see this in my romantic failure. And I worry about this in my apparent romantic success. And I'll revisit this in my posting about stalkers.


Anonymous Madoka said...

You summed up the view from a female's point of view very well - this would apply to 99% of the women i know.

This understanding of human nature must be a result of your experience from life.

But what of spirituality or ideals? Or shared dreams?

This is the most powerful gel that binds. That's the stuff that transcendental love is made of.

Not every relationship is a transaction, where men give security to women in order to receive sex, although it is a good summary of most relationships.

The way you define your hypothesis will lead you to your equations.

Thus the relationships you have are a result of how you present yourself.

6/04/2005 1:08 PM  
Blogger Sigmund said...

Madoka, you wrote:

But what of spirituality or ideals? Or shared dreams?

I put those under "togetherness," one of the three things I claimed that (most) women were seeking. Maybe I should have used a better word, but "togetherness" was not supposed to be just physical, but also experiential, spiritual and emotional, and covering past (memories) and future (dreams).

6/07/2005 7:57 AM  

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