Silk Stalkings 5: Some Thoughts

It may be merely a side effect of my early inexperience with women, or it may be, as some people have recently claimed, something else, but I have accumulated four stalkers in the past few years. A first love longing for the past appears in Endless Love, Dedicated Reporting stars a reporter obsessed, The Dark Side of the Always Connected Mobile Lifestyle features a club girl looking for a ticket out, and a former protege seeking fulfillment of a long-standing fantasy about a sexual and intellectual mentor is the most recent case in Mentoring Brilliance.

There is a danger in batching up these stories together, that makes them sound too fantastic. Keep in mind that they occur over the span of a few years, but batching does serve to underscore that I had zero such incidents prior to Maggie.

Jenny comments that she believes that I underestimate the effect of kindness on certain women. She cites the increasing effect of material comfort, security and intelligence on the mating choices for women as they grow older. She says I must be mindful of what I am signaling.

Perhaps what she says is true, that I can too easily be regarded as the path towards unfulfilled dreams... I have some strong opinions and feeling, but am generally very easy going, and perhaps this makes me appear too easily fit into the fantasy molds of different potential mates. Frankly I don't want the responsibility ruining anybody's dreams... ruining them by taking the responsibility, however implicit, for fulfilling them when I cannot.

Yet I ask the question: "why does it happen," even outside the context of the suffix: "to me?" I am suddenly reminded of the Beatles song, Eleanor Rigby: "All the lonely people/Where do they all come from?/All the lonely people/Where do they all belong?"

Bringing myself back into the equation, I feel sad. I consider myself a compassionate pragmatic. It is a sad thing to see, since these women, somewhat unlike some of my previous experiences, have done little wrong or bad. I should stop short of pity, these women deserve better, but it is difficult. But despite compassion, my pragmatism wins.

Another common thread, although perhaps fortunate for me because it forces me to keep my distance, is that I cannot trust these women. In some cases because they lied, or they are married, or they lack independence. Underlying this trust is the need for truth, pragmatics, and independence. Without those, there are too many factors that can get in the way of what we wish were the case -- the realities that will defeat us no matter what romantic notions may have been programmed into us.

I've written before about the importance of independence in women to me, including financial independence. It is an important enough topic that I may revisit this later.

So what happens next? Well it's out of my control, really. Although Maggie is bright and did that weird thing the year before last flying to my conference, for whatever reason I am less worried about her and Susie than I am about Haley and Laura. Maybe it's because Maggie and Susie are Asia-raised Asians. Haley and Laura seem more unstable, more resourceful, and less predictable. Laura is too smart, too rich and has too much free time to be easily dismissed.

Parenthetically I can't help but think Laura needs a particularly gifted lover. And Susie needs a rich one. Any volunteers? Later I may write more about how sad these stories really make me feel, but I am struck by an ironic thought: these stalkers are women with whom I haven't had sex (or much sex, at least.) I haven't been stalked by any women with whom I've had sex. Yes, I must be THAT bad at it...

Ah, but that path leads to danger...