Would You Invest in a Marriage Fund?

Every one of my mega-rich peers says I would be insane not to have a prenuptial with Jenny. A life time is a long time. Things change. Imagine the unimaginable. Keep money matters separate from emotion. And so on.

I say: Spoilsports!

Meanwhile, Jenny refuses to have an agreement where she receives money in a failed marriage.

For some assets like my business interests I am required to have a contract with Jenny or any other related party to avoid situations where assets are forced to liquidate against the best interests of a company.

Prenuptials may be irrelevant anyhow, depending upon where we decide to live. Of our top candidates for places to live, England does not respect prenuptial contracts, but the United States, Canada and Australia do. Much of Asia is unclear except China, which enforces them.

There are several analysis papers done on the value of prenuptials, for example in reducing litigation costs. But the more interesting papers are the ones discussing the value of not having a prenuptial. The argument goes something like this: not having a prenuptial increases the perceived faith in the relationship by increasing the risk while eschewing insurance; or, conversely, that asking for a prenuptial is a bad signal. See, for example, this PDF, which also models the ensuing moral hazard problem.

I hate conventional solutions. So let’s see if we can come up with something different.

Let’s start with some background:

First, let’s review my concept of modern relationships. Recall also the points about three party system and honesty in the context of my relationship with Jenny.

The financial asymmetries between Jenny and I are, frankly, huge. Apparently the lifetime earnings ratio is about the same as that of the WalMart CEO to the average full time employee salaries. I have had bad experiences with such asymmetries, so my main concern is how to prevent such asymmetries from distorting what we have built.

Perhaps as a consequence of our situations and possibly our different cultural upbringings, our views on money and personal security are different. I have always had the Dorito’s view about money: “Crunch all you want, we’ll make more.” I have always felt fairly comfortable that I could make money. Maybe not very much money, but always enough to live on. And I know I can live on very little. Jenny, on the other hand, places more importance on tangible financial security. Although she is entrepreneurial, she is the primary provider for her family and keeps healthy rainy day reserves. She weathered the Asia economic crisis that, among other things, wiped out her real estate holdings, a huge setback for her and her family.

She has always been very straightforward regarding aspects that might affect our relationship.

FLASHBACK: How Not to Start a Relationship

It is one of our first dates when I am feeling particularly close to her. It is that warm state between attraction and love, a hazy fog of lust and need battling it out with reason and pride. Call it pleasant confusion spiced slightly by a touch of alcohol, just enough to lower some inhibitions.

I’m holding Jenny’s hand. I ask he what she thinks will become of us, what is in our future together.

She looks into my eyes and says, “You will probably hurt me, and it will not end well for me.”

A shocking thing to say early in a romance.

She was devastated in her last meaningful relationship seven years ago, betrayed by a close friend. Since then it was just casual sexual partners, mostly movie and music stars, good-looking meat, nothing meaningful. And then a long gap while she was working her day job and her night job. No time for a relationship with needy boys or patronizing captains of industry.

Now she faces me down and tells me that I will hurt her.

I am a foreigner. It isn’t clear how long I will be in town or where my business will take me. I am from a different world. And yet she is with me that evening. Why?

That is the discussion that starts us down the uncommon path of our relationship.

Prizes are classic motivators for people. Some prizes motivate athletes and scientists. It motivated Lindbergh, our commercial reach for space and computer chess. Carrots work.

Punishments also work as motivators of people. Pain is the most obvious one, but in relationships it often perverts a person into a minimax approach: how to minimize their pain and maximize the pain of their partner. As I have written elsewhere, in a zero sum two party game a relationship is doomed.

Money is only a tool. When it defines your goals rather than enabling them, that’s when money has taken over your life. So let’s think about how money can enable our goals.

Given all this, here is where I am, Sigmund Fuller’s key to marriage contracts:

1. Create the explicit rules that are the foundation of our relationship. I wrote about the importance of doing this here. We have been doing this, but memory fails. We are now working on actually writing them down, which reiterates the operating constraints noted in here. I would never do a hundred million dollar business deal relying on human memory and spur of the moment thinking. I would think carefully about the rules and write them down. My relationship is worth much more than any business deal, so why would I invest less effort and care into it?
2. Set explicit shared goals and projects to achieve them. See the point above. If it’s important I don’t think we should leave it to whim or nature. Nature is perverse and all about sex. Just watch Nova or those BBC specials. We need constructive projects to keep it together. These projects embody the interaction schema: intellectual, professional, social, sexual, exploration, sharing, friendship, and romance. It’s fun planning these. We track them all the time, but plan to review comprehensively every year.
3. Cover the basics to reduce extreme behaviors. To that end I have established a trust fund for Jenny. It doesn’t pay out too much, but it’s more than enough to live on comfortably, based on her current earning power with reasonable growth. Nobody should feel captive to their ability to afford living expenses. The trust also holds a modest condominium which can be used for rental income or as a living quarters.
4. Create shared incentives that support shared goals. I am creating a Marriage Fund! Family and close friends will invest into a Marriage Fund. The marriage fund will pay a quarterly dividend for each year past year five that we remain married. If the marriage fails the money goes to charity (under some definition of failure that does not include a narrow subset of orderly dissolutions). This is the embodiment of my three party system. It is not a contract between the two of us; it is a contract with the relationship itself. This also serves as an icon for the socioeconomic investment and obligation noted here. And, yes, Jenny and I also pay into the marriage fund.

The first two ideas above I’ve talked about quite a bit in this blog. The third is something I’ve done for family before, at least the housing part. The Marriage Fund is the key new idea.

The Fund involves our most intimate community because it is important to have a community recognize marriage. It is one of the pressure points on marriage. It pays quarterly because it is a good reminder to people that it exists: annual seems too seldom, monthly is too much of a bother, and quarterly seemed just right. The end of the fund lifetime is the end of both our lives. After that it goes to charity. While one of us is alive the dividend pays out. I think it should pay out regardless of remarriage. It is mostly symbolic, nobody gets rich from it.

A fascinating variation of this idea is to have the Marriage Fund hold a lot of our other marriage assets, such as the houses, cars, and so on. As the embodiment of the relationship, it may be an interesting wrinkle on the way we approach building equity in our relationship while respecting the three party system.

Too explicit? Not romantic? Tell me what you think.

Dangerous Driver Expands Horizons

Another short post:

I love driving, but time in Asia and lots of travel means I am more often driven than driving. My favorite cars sit slowly depreciating in garages, which has been good news for my brother in law who enjoys exercising the cars from time to time (to my sister's consternation), but bad news for me.

I just received my international driver permit. It was suprisingly easy, although truth be told, my personal assistant handled almost all of it. I did it in the United States; it took only two or three days.

The International Drivers Permit is based on a convention signed in 1949 in the United Nations (with an update in 1968 that went into effect in 1977) to harmonize the rights of drivers in different countries. Several countries that were not signatory to that agreement still recognize the International Drivers Permit. Other countries, mostly in the Carribean, recognize it if you register upon arrival in the country.

You can click on the front page to the right to see the treaty.

Interestingly, the US-issued permit is not a license to drive in the United States; in other words, it does not supercede any US driving license, which is granted state by state and is not a federal right.

I doubt I will ever use this permit, which expires in a year. When I rented a car in Europe I did not need one. The factory sponsored drives in Germany or Italy also did not require this permit.

So why did I obtain one? I want to drive on my upcoming trips to Saudi Arabia and Iceland (my Fire and Ice tour), and I was advised to obtain the permit for that. I am imagining that the wide open spaces and challenging terrain in those countries will make for some interesting driving experiences. I have a friend who is entering the Paris Dakar rally (where they have finally banned GPS, and this year is actually from Lisbon to Dakar). He will accompany me. I anticipate a fun learning experience.

Back to the permit: I wish it were smaller. It is a very inconvenient size: about 11 cm x 15 cm.

You can click on the picture to go to a page of resources on where you can obtain such permits in your country.

Sanctioned Sex Partner

Given that I am a taken man, I have to find sanctioned ways of satisfying certain urges. After checking with Jenny, I was given the opportunity to travel with M Dexia for four days to D.C. and New York City.

Setting up the visit was simplicity itself. Not only is Dexia responsive to my email, I would hardly be exaggerating if I said that she types half of MY email responses herself!

From the moment I was in the car to the airport, until the minute she drove me to my house, Dexia was at my side the entire trip. We ate together, we slept together, we even bathed together!

After a relaxing flight to D.C., Dexia and I took a brief nap at the hotel and then headed out to a business meeting. After the meeting we attended a business dinner where she helped me entertain the others at my table. There were several times where she was very good at underscoring a particularly important point I was making. At one point she was even able to produce a diagram of something we were discussing! Overall I couldn't imagine being as compelling a dinner guest without her. I have to admit she was even an asset in my own eating, as she practically fed me several courses herself.

I wanted to show my appreciation for her help that night. We took a midnight flight to New York. It was cold, and Dexia was sheathed in a tight black wrap with fur lining. She was at my side as I opened the door to our luxury suite. I stripped her to the skin and washed her gently in the bath with the whirlpool jets on. And Dexia was not shy, soaping me up EVERYWHERE. After I patting her dry with the hotel towels, she patted me dry, and then we found ourselves without clothing on the soft bed.

I was thinking of getting the remote control, but Dexia read my mind, picked it up, and flipped on a pornographic movie. Although I was trying to play it cool, she made a good selection and the action stimulated an inevitable rising of my interest. She could hardly ignore it. After a moment of recognition, Dexia seized my rising member in her vise-like grip and applied some vigorous motion that resulted in a spectacular finish. I couldn't have done better myself!

I was somewhat chagrined by my inability to reciprocate at that moment. In fact, I confess that I almost instantly fell asleep. Dexia had to use the remote to turn off the television! Always the supportive partner, she also cleaned me up.

That was merely the first night of four days and nights of bliss. Dexia is a constant companion, always at hand at a moment's notice. Over the course of the trip she helped me brush my hair, shave, and even wipe my ass! Her specialty is fantasy fulfillment, although she generally restricts her activities to FPSM (Full Palm Sensual Massage.)

Although I patronize Dexia frequently, I have to admit that I do not recommend her to others. She is very accomodating for me, but I highly doubt she would be so for any others. She and I are quite attached, and I suspect and hope that it will be a life-long attachment, even though I can see that it's mostly physical. Sometimes she finds her way into the hands of others, and the reader knows, sometimes I will patronize women who can provide things that she cannot. Still, it is hard to imagine her with anybody else the same way she is with me.

Looks: 6 (but she grew on me in my early years)

Attitude: 10 (nearly mind control)

Service: 10 (always there for me)

All about M Dexia

Update: M Dexia is a shorthand for "mei dextera," Latin for "my right hand." I enclose a spicy fantasy pic of M Dexia all dressed up...

New Years 2006, a Late Retrospective

Last year I posted a short summary of the calendar year 2004. Although I'm a half-year late AGAIN, it's about the Lunar New Years in the chronological flow of my catch-up posts. So commemoration of my time in Asia let’s use the lunar calendar and place New Years as starting, say, the 29th of January on the Julian calendar. Let’s imagine it is the end of Lunar New Year celebrations and I am in Asia writing about the prior 12-15 months.

I learned some new ways to do business in Asia, and I started several companies. I was almost continuously absent. Yet these companies, without my presence, had standout performances. I guess delegation works sometimes. Go figure.

I also learned some new ways to date in Asia (with some important safety tips), and I enjoyed a watershed year for relationships. There was less decadence than previous years, and far more meaning and diversity. I tried mistresses. I was stalked. I dated a set of genius women. And then I forged the One Ring and found the woman to bear it...

Last year I traveled more than I have ever done before:

Bhutan, Patagonia, Henan Province, Tahiti, New England, Manhattan, Dubai, Barcelona, Mexico City, Paris, Norway, Iceland, London, the Canadian Rockies, Moscow, Belarus, Prague, Bintan, Jakarta, Kuala Lumpur, Bali, Maldives, Sri Lanka, Macau, Beijing, Shanghai, Hong Kong, Bangkok, Sydney, Brisbane, Taipei, Seoul, Osaka, Tokyo, Kyoto, Hokkaido, Perth, Venice, Monaco, south of France, Aix en Provence, Marseille, Montreal, Vancouver, Victoria, Los Angeles, Kona, Maui, Cairns, Jalisco, and Singapore. And I may have missed a few.

I was in a different city at least once per week.

Over the course of the entire year I spent no more than twenty days in places I owned (”at home”).

Blog posting suffered commensurately.

I estimate I spent over four million dollars on travel and related expenses, a rate more than four-fold higher than last year. And all I have to show for that is a few lousy pictures and a few over-stuffed passports.

Truth be told, it was difficult to find any photographs to post, since most of them feature Jenny or myself in them. The ones in here are the most anonymous ones we have.

Almost all this travel was with Jenny. We spent twenty-four hours per day, seven days a week for thirty-two weeks with each other. Which is kind of sick, I guess.

Was there a danger of building too many memories? (I wrote about that danger here.) Not really. The sheer amount of travel was just too overwhelming. It became a blur of passion and togetherness, more about us than any particular place.

A luxury indeed.

Only recently have we been traveling apart; both of us spending some time with family and attending to business. Consequently we are traveling far less and dealing with more real world and day to day issues.

A more normal life, I suppose, but it kinda sucks.

Not much else to say about 2005, but I think that’s quite a lot. An eventful year for certain.

SIDEBAR: A Worrisome Trend or A Coping System?

Strange. In reviewing my previous New Years posts I see a trend.

In reviewing 2003 I talked about rented or owned girlfriends and my spending on those activities. I sampled many women over several cities, but I hoped I would find a “regular.” I had a few businesses.

In reviewing 2004 I talked about my search for a regular girlfriend, and the reduced number but increased diversity of sexual and relationship experiences while traveling to more new places and starting more businesses.

Now in reviewing 2005 I can talk about choosing one relationship across an unprecedented number of travel locations and even more businesses.

The trend? Fewer women, more locations and more businesses, trading geographic and work stability for relationship stability. Maybe I am unable to settle down and always require diversity in at least one aspect of life. Or, put another way, does this indicate that I need infidelity in at least one aspect of life — home, work, or companionship?

I hope this bodes well for relationship fidelity!

I made several resolutions for 2006, mostly about my three party system and explicit contradictions, which is really a confirmation of my resolution to try them in 2005. So far, these have worked very well. They have certainly become quite routine and far less difficult, although these principles pose difficulties for other people in our lives. That, however, tends to accentuate the three party commitment. 2006 will be a greater search for meaning, I think. Meaning to take into myself, to internalize, so I can reflect it into our relationship. Meaning to help us segregate the internal from the external, a struggle I have seen to be particularly difficult for those with means.

So let’s salute the upcoming 2006 year!

A Crisis of American Competitiveness? Further Adventures in NYC

I found myself in the position to meet Mark again. He was a well-known person in his country, part of the leadership of a billionaire family with deep political and business connections. Mark was also insanely highly educated at four of the top schools in three continents.

Back a year and a half ago I had set him up down in Southern California with a lady “Z” and a meal at the hot dog stand Pinks. I also had arranged tickets and some other activities of which he did not partake. This time we were meeting on the opposite coast, Manhattan. Now I’ve had several experiences in New York I’ve written about on this blog. I have a place there and enjoy the city a lot.

Mark’s experience with “Z” was positive, but he had not seemed very impressed afterwards. In subsequent meetings he would thank me for the consideration and the arrangements, but never say much about the woman.

It made me wonder if he wasn’t happy with her. After all, he had access to the best women in Asia and eastern Europe. So I wanted to aim higher this time around and show him how good it could get in the US of A.

The meeting was somewhat last minute, so I didn’t have much time to plan.

In Southern California I had chosen Pinks because, frankly, I didn’t think highly of the Los Angeles area restaurants. Don’t get me wrong, there are some good ones, but I wasn’t finding any truly world class ones in Mark’s desired cuisines. So going to the other end of the spectrum seemed appropriate. In New York, of course, the choices were different. I selected Jean Georges as a good compromise between innovative and traditional. I felt very confident I would exceed the bar set last time on the food side.

For the companion, well, this was more of a challenge. Again, because the arrangements were a bit last minute, there was some difficulty. In addition, there are additional constraints when you are arranging on somebody else’s behalf. Often providers are unwilling to meet anybody but the principal, which is understandable given the attitudes in the United States in general about that business.

I was aiming for dinner and dessert. Mark would have “dessert” in private with his date. I would not, as I am taken. Or he could have dessert with two women, although it didn’t seem likely I would find two on short notice. As it turned out there was an intriguing possibility of hiring identical twin models, but this fell through. But in the end I found a lovely, presentable woman through a network of providers I knew from before. Let’s call her Lee. She was willing to meet Mark under the appropriate conditions. I invited an open-minded coworker as the other side of the double date.

I met Lee a half hour before the dinner to prep her on Mark and the date protocol. I did not need to worry, she did great. The dinner was splendid, about as good as you could ever hope a social double date to go (other than the fact that the new sommelier there was an idiot). I could not recommend Lee more highly as a social escort to a high class locale. She was charming, excellent conversationally, and attentive to Mark.

After a four hour dinner, Mark went for dessert with Lee. It seemed like everything went very well.

Later, Mark and I met again, this time at an Asian-styled drinking establishment. We talked some business. He thanked me. He said the meal was fantastic and the company was great. But then he said he’d give me feedback on the last two female encounters I had set up. Since the Southern California meeting we had become much closer associates, and he felt he could give me feedback without offending me.

He then proceded to tell me that although the women in America were beautiful, and a good change of scenery for him, there was no comparison to the skills and attentiveness of the Asian women. Not to speak of the value.

He then told me that he had gone to Kevin’s membership only place the previous night, since he also was connected to Michael. There he hooked up for a short time with an exceptional South American woman, who had model looks, an amazing attitude and good skills, but again, short of great.

It reminded me of my changed attitude toward American providers when I started frequenting Asia and was exposed to the skills level at the high end. I blogged that experience here and here.

So my mission to plant the American Flag somewhere near the top of experiences for Mark was not successful. But if at first you don’t succeed...

Black is Back (American Express Centurion)

Again I am tardy in posts, but here's a real short one.

My renewed American Express Centurion card finally tracked me down across a few continents.

To my amusement the physical credit card is made of black titanium!

Although patently silly, the new card material does have one practical side effect: the card name and numbers are now human-readable. The previous plastic cards had black characters on black plastic making reading the information a chore. Now the numbers are pressed through the black anodized surface and show up a burnished titanium color.

An impractical consequence of titanium construction is that it appears that every customs office through which this package passed on its long journey to me found the xray signature sufficiently unexpected given the declaration of contents that they opened the package.

Membership has its, uh, excesses...

Update: here is a post I found regarding this, there is a photo of the packaging also. I also found out that certain other countries had received the titanium Centurion card earlier.

Update 2: I received my second Centurion card yesterday. Apparently they are upgrading the cards whether or not they are soon to expire. So this whole thing is a vanity upgrade (and probably an expensive one) for American Express.