Sam Falls in Love, Part 3: Sam the Fool

[Disclaimer here: this series of posts were written fall 2010 but never posted. I’m posting it now because there is a follow-up story. And I can’t post that without first posting this. Part one of this story is here. Part two is here.]

It is June in New York. It is warm but not too hot, generally lovely weather. Yu-na and I are seeing a few shows new and old and dining like royalty, but spending most of our time at MoMA and the Whitney, catching some jazz in the evenings, cruising a half-dozen of the smaller museums like the Dahesh and Frick, some photography galleries, and eating whimsically as we walk. These are halcyon days, when I am deeply in love, self-aware and happy with myself and the world.

I have this evening shared a particularly important moment; a deep and old hurt, a tragedy that I have shared with few others. We will part in the morning. I depart for Europe. She goes to Korea. That night we make love, all night, unwilling to sleep.

I fully intended to get to this point in my post and tell you about how I messed up. But it is fresh enough that I now find I don’t want to write about it. The pain is still fresh. So let me just say that I did something and said something BAD. Cruel. Hurtful. Using what intimacies I knew about her as a weapon. It was not a first argument, but it was the first and last hateful one.

She later said she understood why I might think what I said, but could not agree with the way I said it, the words I chose, and the timing of when I said it. “Your words in that moment killed my love for you.”

Maybe time will let me talk about it later. Right now I can’t. Even now I feel burning shame and regret. And my heart hurts.

Worse, I reacted badly to her reaction. I took her to the airport resentfully. I spoke harshly, from pride and wounded ego. After the long silence in the car I started to realize my mistake. At the airport I wanted to apologize, but too much damage had been done. She used a different mode of address in Korean in talking to me. She would not look back toward me as went through security, not even a stolen glance.

So she walked out of my life as abruptly as she had appeared. Leaving me only with my regrets.

Yu-na

The girl who gave me her love

And watched forlorn

As I threw the love away

The Aftermath

Of course I apologized. By email because she wouldn’t take my calls. I asked if it was irrevocably over. She told me that she could forgive me, but she could not love me like before. Life went on, and so should we.

I talked to Jenny. She was sympathetic. I asked her if she could broker a meeting so I could at least see Yu-na in person. She asked if she had my permission to discuss any detail of the relationship and I said yes, with Yu-na anything was ok. Jenny did. When I next met Jenny, it was the worst meeting I had ever had with her. She was cold. She said she had no time for fools. She told me she was disappointed I would treat a woman like Yu-na like that, no matter what reason.

Like Sigmund, work is therapy. I threw myself into work. I sent a few messages to Yu-na wishing her a good life, offering assistance if she needed it, and thanking her for her forgiveness. She was cordial, even warm. But it was not the same.

Sam Falls in Love, Part 2: First Date

[Disclaimer here: this series of posts were written fall 2010 but never posted. I’m posting it now because there is a follow-up story. And I can’t post that without first posting this. Part one of this story is here.]

The Date

I am nursing my drink when I receive a text message. Yu-na is just about to arrive. I text back: I am at the front table awaiting her. I go back to skimming emails. A few moments later she arrives.

For me it is an event. Wait, no. It is an Event. 

She looked like an anime character – an amazing figure, beautiful face, luminous eyes, long limbs, elegant hands and fingers and a well-turned ankle. One of the few times I can recall having my breath taken away upon first seeing a woman. She is wearing a simple dress, multicolored, demurely cut. She has a small cross pendant. Simple earrings. No watch, rings, or bracelets. Short jet hair with a hairpin. Natural short working nails. Slim, pink phone. Light makeup, mostly on her eyes.

I thanked the gods for the dress code at the club which put her in a dress.

I thanked Jenny for not setting my expectations high, to enhance the surprise.

I thanked the Fates for not letting Sigmund meet this woman first.

I stumbled through some greetings, tried to arise to pull out her chair but was beaten to it by the maitre d’. I had liked that maitre d’ before. Now he appeared to be a smarmy interfering sod.

I’ll cut to the chase. The meal was excellent. But the conversation was divine. To have discourse on topics both technical and philosophical, with a woman with such stunning looks, it was otherworldly.

Had I ever had a more interesting technical discussion? Absolutely.

Had I ever had a deeper or more challenging philosophical conversation? Sure.

Had I ever seen a more beautiful woman? Yes.

Had I ever had a combination of the above more scintillating? Never.

The experience was like a deal that just gets better and better with every passing moment. One where every expectation is exceeded the very next minute.

Hours passed. We moved to another part of the club for a few drinks. She drank sparingly but conversation continued. We ranged from the future of robotics to the philosophical implications of the Many Worlds interpretation. We debated eastern and western philosophies on cognitive development. Educational systems. Objectivism and humanism. Current events and business climate. Improvements to Jenny’s business. My approach to business deals in Japan. The politics of the sex in media. The effect of globalization on poverty in first world countries versus developing economies. The styles of Chopin, Bach and Beethoven. The Beatles. The roots of K-Pop. Rococo art and its cultural reaction from Mannerism. I learned a lot and taught a lot.

All in all an evening well beyond expectations.

What Happened?

Later she told me that she had never accepted a dinner invitation like that before. She didn’t know why, but then she remembered the fortune teller. It was March 2010. Was that a reason?

I was only in Korea for a few days. I spent every possible moment with her, just talking. I was smitten in a manner that was unprecedented. I was addicted to her voice, her mannerisms, her way of thinking. Puppy love at my age? Ridiculous. At the time the why and wherefore were not important. I wouldn’t even try to figure out those things until after things went awry, too late, too late.

She told me that she loved me after our third date. I would find out later that she had developed a sophisticated set of conditions for men. She was a snap decision maker. She had decided on me quickly. She was tired of protecting her heart. She put it right up front with me, in the line of fire. I, of course, was very skeptical, a classic cynic.

In retrospect this was where my heart jumped into the fray. I didn’t know it, of course, being clueless in the matters of love. I merely felt Yu-na was an amazing woman. But still just another woman in my journey of experiences. Somebody to pursue. Somebody I wanted to continue to meet. But not somebody to believe was in love with me. That was too fast and too unrealistic. I left Korea telling her I didn’t believe her. Perhaps worse. What I said was: “I have difficulty believing you. What you say to me... you could say to any man. How would I know it is truthful?” Much later she told me she cried after she heard that. Nice guy, aren’t I? After she bravely put her heart squarely in the line of fire I took cowardly potshots at it.

But over the subsequent few months she completely won me over. Her complete openness and candor was impossible to resist.

By May after a few trips abroad and in the United States I finally acknowledged in my head what I already knew in my heart: I was head over heels in love.

Yet by late June I stood at JFK airport regarding the ruins of a relationship I had destroyed.

Sam Falls in Love, Part 1: Before the Beginning

[Disclaimer here: this series of posts were written fall 2010 but never posted. I’m posting it now because there is a follow-up story. And I can’t post that without first posting this.]

I apologize for the lengthy delay. My excuses: A set of business deals. Several around-the-world trips. An intense affair, a love affair, in fact. These kept me quite distracted.

The deals are largely concluded or now put into the hands of more responsible adults. Go for it, guys.

The three trips around the globe are over. Each involved at least six cities, at least three continents, compressed. Enough already.

And the affair is over. A joyous and painful learning experience. And the topic this entry serves to start.

I will start with a warning. The affair is a recent development. It is recently over. And the emotions are fresh, the endorphins still circulating, the wounds unscabbed-over. My feelings may change later. Let’s put it this way: this entry will be especially subjective.

How do I step into complicated situations like this? And where do I start explaining what happened?

Before the Beginning, Thread One

Yu-na Lee. Ah. How to start, how to start…

Well, let’s start with Jenny, Sigmund’s better half.

Jenny is quite a woman. Hell, she manages Sigmund! Sigmund hasn’t written much about her success. So I will. In some ways more remarkable than his. She hit a glass ceiling in Asian business. Typical for a woman in places like Korea or Japan. So she stepped out of the game entirely and took another tack, not easy in Asia. She used her savvy, personality and looks to earn money as a part-time room salon hostess while she retrained herself through school. Never went out with customers, never accepted extra money, but did network.

She launched her business. Today it serves hundreds of children shunned by Asian society, orphans. It is the most successful organization of its type and is thinking of going pan-Asia. Sigmund would agree: she does all this almost single-handedly, not much help from him.

A few years ago I had an Arrangement. I will write about her some other time. But I’ll say here that Jenny gave this woman the start she needed for her business success. I just connected the dots.

So when Jenny calls attention to somebody she says is a remarkable woman, I listen.

Jenny brought her up in a conversation I had with Sigmund last year (2009). Said she was an intern she had hired who needed experience in youth counseling for her graduate degree. She was going to intern until the fall. Said she was unusually charming, dynamic, smart, somewhat cynical. She said I should look her up some time. Sigmund had never met her, so he said nothing. But I filed the name away:

Yu-na Lee.

Before the Beginning, Thread Two

Spring 2010. I was coming off an international deal that looked like it was busted. It was frustrating. A lot of work sunk into it.

A set of meetings were cancelled, so I had an extra day or two in North Asia. I decided to drop by Korea to cool my heels while I waited for the meetings to reschedule. So without a plan or warning I arrived in the early evening, hungry for food and conversation.

I texted friends. Anybody around?

Sigmund was in London. Jenny was in Tokyo. But Jenny called me back. Recommended a certain place to get some food. It was a private club with a young hotshot chef who had studied modernist cuisine in New York. A venue where Sigmund and Jenny know the owner. Their kitchen was always open for members and had good food and drink.

And Jenny said I should call Yu-na to join me.

I protested that last minute on a weekday night it would be unbecoming. Jenny said that Yu-na was a night owl and almost never went out at night, instead studying or reading. She said she would welcome the company.

I hesitated. I wasn’t really in the mood for a woman. Just some good conversation with a friend over wine and a good meal.

But Jenny was not to be denied. She would call Yu-na and make the arrangement herself.

What could I say?

So I went to the private club. I was greeted like royalty, or, more exactly, a friend of royalty. I was seated at a table for two, one of five or six tables. And I waited for my blind date wondering what the hell I was doing there.

Before the Beginning, Thread Three

Yu-na Lee was born and raised in Korea.  She had a lot of financial responsibility for her parents and an aunt. At least while her younger brother got on his feet. This kept Yu-na from dating and instead forced her into a variety of part-time jobs as waitress, tutor, hotel babysitter, kindergarten teacher and wedding fashions and hair model. She was popular in high school. But when she started modeling in college, the modeling scene made her insecure about her looks.

She had a technical engineering degree in robotics from the second-best technical engineering university in the country. She started a year early. Her senior thesis was in electromechanical feedback-based control systems. She was exceptionally well-read: she favored philosophy and western and eastern literature. She enjoyed music. Her iPod carried over 10,000 songs. She would often attend concerts and opera on her own. She made few friends, three she kept from high school, and still seldom dated. She later would say that she learned to love herself and be comfortable alone, reading a book and listening to music rather than going out on dates or drinking with peers.

After two years at a Korean multinational she found engineering was not for her. She took an analyst position at a major global consulting company. She was 23. At that company Yu-na had a very deep four year love affair with the senior executive in charge. It was her one big love.

But the affair blew up in a very nasty way. She claims it was largely her fault. She said she was “stupid”. She said she lacked courage to make a commitment.

And she was emotionally devastated. After a hiatus she decided to switch gears again, to go into youth counseling, taking a psychology masters degree. During this time she did not date, going four years without dating or sex, always remembering her lost lover, and believing she would never meet another man she would love.

In March 2009 Yu-na had gone to a very famous fortune teller with an aunt. Yes, a fortune teller. She was not a believer in fortune telling. But her aunt insisted. He was paid only to give a fortune to her aunt. But he also gave a fortune to Yu-na. He told her that he knew that she was barren of love for many years. He had surprisingly accurate insight about some past experiences. And then he said that she would find the greatest love of her life in March of 2010, with a stranger. She had just started an internship with a new up-and-coming charity. She was studying courses. She continued a series of part time jobs. How could she ever meet a stranger? She dismissed the fortune, but inside her heart, a spark of hope burned deep and bright.

She went back to her studies, the internship, the jobs. She forgot about the fortune. The year went by.

It was March 7, 2010. The president of the charity where she had interned last spring called her. She had told Yu-na of a man worth meeting, a good friend of hers. Not a date, but meeting a knowledgeable and interesting person. At a private club with excellent food. She guaranteed interesting conversation. And a favor for her, as she was in Japan.

Yu-na took a taxi to the private club.

And that’s where the story begins… in part two.