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Saturday, July 17, 2004

Is Love Enough, or Can Women Feel Inadequate About Sexual Performance?

In an earlier post I mentioned that a major reason why I had difficulty with relationships was that I prioritize my work too highly, which has the secondary effect of excessive travel. I also hinted that there was another reason. There is.

I am difficult to bring to climax.

It's not a boast, but I can go for hours. And despite how great this may have sounded when I was young and worried about premature ejaculation, it is a curse. A curse that has fragmented many otherwise promising relationships.

Recently I received a comment about this via email:
It seems extremely strange to me that this would be the reason a GF relationship wouldn't work out--I don't quite buy it. Although, I suppose if they were very sexually inexperienced they might take it personally or something and it would make them feel not sexy.
Only a few women have been able to satisfy me sexually in the traditional manner. This is probably a lot more than you want to know about me, but it's important to this discussion. Make no mistake, I enjoy sex. I enjoy it a lot. But it doesn't finish in the typical male way for me. I have been surprised how much trouble this causes in partners. Not for a short relationship, but for long-term ones.

I have been fortunate in that I have dated or consorted with women who are attractive and sexy. They do not have trouble satisfying men. Except me. And over the long haul, they seem to prefer to be with somebody they can bring to orgasm than somebody they cannot.

But let's place my issue into context.

There is no question that I am well off. I am successful. I am a gentleman. I am educated and intelligent. I treat women well. I'm not ugly. So here is my theory:

In relationships women like to sexually satisfy their men. Men like to satisfy their women also, but society accepts that may be difficult, whereas men are supposed to be easy to satisfy, at least until they have erectile difficulties (which is most certainly not my problem, mine is the opposite.)

Women may contribute many things to a relationship, including beauty, children, child rearing, income, intellectual support and so on. But I'm a difficult problem here. I have access to many beautiful women. Children aren't an issue (yet?) I don't need income support. I hang with some of the smartest people on Earth. My meals are prepared by chefs, my appointments made my concierges and administrative assistants, my clothes selected by expert buyers, my homes bought, managed and sold by other professionals... oh, and yes, I'm physically not around a lot. So what is left for the woman to supply in a relationship? How do they express their love and commitment to a relationship?

Jerry Hall, when paired with Mick Jagger, was famously quoted as saying that her mother told her she should be a "maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen, and a whore in the bedroom", and since she already had a maid and a cook, she could handle the rest.

My situation is a challenging form of this.

Some partners have commented in a positive way how this can create new sexual experiences, and these are usually providers. And there is definitely short term novelty.

So... is love enough? Has society set expectations that men are so easy to satisfy that it can make women feel inadequate?


Blogger SBB said...

Very true.

I've been with men who find me so very attractive a package they cream their pants simply looking at me lying supine in bed in the morning.

I've also been with men who, physically, just are wired to take much longer to orgasm.

I'll always prefer the former - same as most men would prefer (all things being equal) a woman who climaxes easily than one who doesn't.

I mean, it's all well and good when you're young, energetic and have free time - what happens with 2 kids and 2 busy lives to juggle? Sometimes 15 minutes needs to be enough.

6/01/2005 1:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Same problem.
I went to the doctor for a consultation (a General Practitioner in a small town, and I swear I thought I saw him rubbing his hands together thinking thoughts of authoring a JAMA article....oh well, probably my imagination).

So anyway, he gave me some trial samples of Wellbutrin XL antidepressent, which I took about an hour before a rendevouz, and it worked.

Here's an article about it.

You can also Google "Wellbutrin" and find lots of info.


6/03/2005 8:51 PM  
Blogger Sigmund said...

Thanks for the comments.

JR, I have tried Wellbutrin; it was suggested by "Sabrina". It did not help when I was with a woman, and in self-testing (masturbation) it made me take even longer. What dose did you try? Did it really work the first time you tried it? The literature notes it doesn't work for all.

IB, I agree. I would love to be able to have a quickie. Recent incidents (I'll blog later) reinforce this. Make no mistake, I also enjoy the ability to spend several hours making love, but, well, it takes several hours! Beats golf, though.

6/03/2005 9:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The doctor gave me the XL 150mg to be taken once daily.

I've taken it for about a month and it's worked so far, first-time too. In the beginning, I even noticed quite an increased libido too, but that's settled down since then (to just high). I take it about 1-2 hours before the girl friend arrives.

For myself, I do wonder if the effectiveness will reduce over time as I adjust to it though.

It might be worth a call to your doc to see about his thoughts, or see about a checkup or if maybe he can recommend someone.

Hope you find something that works.


6/04/2005 6:47 PM  
Anonymous ardent said...


Thank you so much for your weblog. It is eloquent on subjects that are rarely if ever discussed with as much insight and honesty in public or in private.

My soon-to-be ex-husband has a problem similar to the one you mention. In the years we've been together I have never once been able to make him come with anything I do despite Olympics-like endeavours on my part. It's ironic: before we met I used to be a damn skilled provider who really enjoyed giving pleasure.

His inability hasn't made me unsure of my powers, but it simply ruined the sex for us, turning it into a series of mechanical acts in which I "assist" while he tries not to lose interest entirely. This, and his low libido, is the main reason I am about to leave a man I utterly love.

Wellbutrin XL 150mg once daily... it's worth a try. I'm afraid to hope, but I would so like to.

Good luck, and thanks again.

7/29/2006 3:39 PM  

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