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Monday, August 02, 2004

Know Thyself

Sometimes it's useful to step back and look at what I've written, to use the blog like a Rorschach test. The goal today is to understand what it is I'm seeking in sex and relationships (the topic of this blog!)

Here are some excerpts I culled from the blog:

  1. In fact I am quite worried that my fate is in the direction of souless emptiness. That somehow money fills and displaces meaning from your life. (Changes and Good Deeds)
  2. Possible solution? Women in every city I frequent, who can entertain me, or just hang out with me, or converse with me, or, yes, have sex with me, on my schedule and without getting jealous of the other women... well, it's ideal. [...] I haven't achieved all that, but I've tried it, and it seems to be the right path for me. (Girlfriends Better to Rent or Own)
  3. It is very uncertain how a relationship will turn out, but it is not in my nature to presuppose it will be serious. It just seems like long odds. [...]Maybe that's what I'm looking for. I would like to think that I value independence, and I definitely do. I don't want somebody who waits for me. But on the other hand, I enjoy helping clients, employees, and others. I like to feel that people rely on me. Perhaps that's a character flaw, since it might be a factor in the kinds of girlfriends I have attracted in the past. Dependency is a subtle point in the Rent or Own posts below. (Financially Secure Man Wants Playmate)
  4. I'm at a crossroads. I have been searching for either my next steady provider or next steady girlfriend, and it's been tough going. I have been hobbying and dating for a decade, and frankly I feel that the experiences are changing. Girlfriends are quicker to demand committment, and I'm starting to want to date providers in a civilian manner. I'm not sure why, but it's happening. (Pros vs. Civilians)
  5. One of the things I freely admit that I do, is that I blur this line between girlfriend and provider. I will take a provider out in public, to events, and show her off. The social rationale is as important to me as the personal (and more important than the genetic), and sometimes I am willing to pay for the convenience of a relationship with fewer obligations. To me, arm candy is important. And girlfriends or escorts have to be physically and socially presentable. (Arm Candy)
  6. T is sexy and smart, with a wicked sense of humor. She can also be comfortable and casual, in jeans and a t-shirt, or lounging in sweats. And T is sufficiently organized and tasteful that she can plan and schedule an outing or vacation herself, which relieves me of those chores. [...] T was deeply well-adjusted, intellectually independent, entirely drug free, not heavily tattooed, and socially classier. T is quite liberal artsy, having worked in politics, journalism, and even a bit of liberal activism. And sometimes she acts a bit too... preppy? Radcliff-ish? So she isn't perfect. And if she was a real girlfriend instead of a mistress, I could see some real arguments in our future. ;-) (Northern Europe and NYC and Rejecting a Mistress)
  7. Until my experience in Asia. And that was what tipped the balance. Who needs a regular provider? I'm just in the wrong country! (Rejecting a Mistress)
I have also praised N for her geek knowledge and friendship, H for her enthusiasm and energy, Anais for her role playing acumen and ability to arrange fun scenarios (all in Northern Europe and NYC), and some positive remarks on bisexual women (Women on Women). And, of course, Paulina for her body, mind, and interests (A New York Reality).

So how does this sum up? I both feel (and fear?) that the inkblot reveals that I am not committed to a committed relationship. That for now, and perhaps forever, I want to have relationships that reflect my mobility. It is a fact that although I could stop travelling around as much as I do, and I even say that I will as part of a perennial resolution, I never do.

Based on the writings so far, here is my list of attributes of an ideal companion. As noted above, this may not be a sole companion, however:
  • fluent in English
  • pretty, presentable and elegant
  • lithe and not "top heavy"
  • comfortable in high class social settings
  • educated or self-educated, and well-read
  • mistress mentality, i.e. not requiring a 24/7 commitment or a full-on relationship
  • willing to share city by city, or a similar situation
  • entrepreneurial and goal driven
  • compassionate and very giving
  • positive, upbeat and fun attitude
  • analytical and rational
  • exposure to science or technology, ideally a geek
  • excellent email and written communications, does not need a lot of "phone time" (I dislike the phone)
  • funny, wicked or dark humor
  • creatively expressive in some way, written or otherwise
  • organized and able to plan
  • fiscally responsible
  • comfortable and confident with her sexuality
  • loves men
  • compatible fantasy life, willing and able to create interesting situations and scenarios
  • sexually highly skilled and open minded
  • ideally 25 to 30 years old
  • ideally bisexual but preferring men
  • ideally travelled, preferably in Asia
It is an open question, if I found such a person, or somebody close, would they become a preferred single relationship? Or it is merely the next step in the evolution of my desires, yet to occur?

I'd like to think that I will settle down some day (see Changes and Good Deeds), but maybe that is only a latent desire for social comformity, or merely wishes for an innocent world passed-by: Reflections on a Gift of Watermelon Pickle Received from a Friend Called Felicity.


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